I’m Different now, you have to meet me again

As we get older we’re constantly changing and growing. we’re never done molding into the person we are meant to be just going through life one choice at a time until we learn all the lessons we need to move to the next chapter. Here I am at 25 educated on life. Graduating with honors as I maneuver its trials. I’ve failed multiple times but in my failure I found success. In my short comings I triumphed. I beat the odds set before me. one of the most damaging things I think I’ve ever done to myself was come out. It was beautiful and felt free at the time but it limited who I could be. Instead of keeping me out of a box it pushed me deeper into one. Without me ever realizing. A hole I’m still trying to climb out of. Religion. Another beast I’ve been battling. Can I be a Christian and gay? What does it mean to even be Christian?! Are Christian’s actually Christian if they can’t accept the fact that Jesus was a person of color? if not who are they?! Does slavery play a big role in Christianity and is that why it’s not talked about?! Am I going to hell? My mind at this age with no direct help or answers just spirals out of control needing a release. Something to numb the pain. Which lead me to drugs, alcoho and sexual with strangers and people that didn’t deserve my body. But we all have voids and we all learn. I would go out every weeken get drunk, fuck who I wanted and do it all over again. 3 whole years straight that was me. Killing my self. trying to drown out this hole I felt inside. Like I was missing something. Like I was waiting for someone to snap me out of it and just tell me what I needed to do.

and he did. His name was Jesus. Not the one you know. Not the white blonde haired blue eyed man in the pictures but Jesus in the flesh the son of man. Song of god and the one who everyone feels but can’t see. That one. He called me in a club and I’ve never felt so sure of something in my life. That night I prayed I got on my knees and balled for 4 hours straight repenting, giving my life to him and asking him to refine me. Show me what he wanted from me or saw for my life. I felt his love, it wrapped me like a warm hug. I hadn’t prayed like that ever and it had been years since I was on my knees. Ever since then my life has been changed. I changed. God meet me where I was right where he needed me to be. He called me in the middle of me having a hot boy summer. Took away my lustful thoughts, started to take away my sexual desires. I no longer long for seX or drugs or hook up culture, I look at men and women as beautiful and attractive but it doesn’t lead to my mind thinking about seX. Thats a start for me. I feel different. I feel happier, calmer, like a weight has been lifted off my chest. i feel lighter. like I can smile and actually mean it. I don’t know if that makes me gay, or if I’m an ex gay or what that even means. I still like men and I have this new found want for women. I slowly submitting to god and letting him change my heart. Without the expectation of Christian’s or anyone with their own opinion of how and who I should be. God speaks to me and I listen. what I do now though I’d that “I’m different now and you have to meet me again”